This weekend, I felt like I disappeared from life thanks to another fibromyalgia flare up. All my grand plans went out the window Saturday morning when I woke up and realized that walking wasn't really on the agenda. I spent most of the day either lying on our couch or trying to sleep off the pain. After church on Sunday, I tried to walk since that sometimes helps the pain but I only ended up back on the couch again. I'm really hoping that this weekend isn't a sign of things to come for this week but, as it is, I am starting out in a state of exhaustion.
Probably one of the most difficult things about having fibro is the propensity to fall of the face of the planet for a few days or even weeks since when I don't feel well, I tend to curl up in a little ball and not talk or make any effort to keep up my relationships, even the ones that I cherish the most.
The pain is so exhausting that I end up without much to give but I also have a hard time accepting being taken care of by other people. I think I still buy into the myth that we should all be able to be independent and self sufficient and that we should never give into our weaknesses. Ironically, I think this line of thinking is really more of my weakness than the fibro is; trying to do everything while it is painfully obvious that I can't just makes the fallacy that much more pathetically obvious.
We all need other people and community and it takes strength of character, not weakness to be able to accept that. Such has been my musings while lying on the couch. It has become quite evident to me that the fibro is more than just a disease; it is an indicator and litmus test of my flaws and bad days do make me take stock of how things are really going with me and where I need to grow.
I was too proud to take my cane to church today even though I really did need it. When I needed to sit down during worship, I have to admit, I was a bit too concerned with what other people might be thinking as they were there standing. Even though I have had fibro for more than a decade, I think I still care too much about silly stuff like that (although, it was really funny the time I got some dirty looks from a group of older people for walking too slow!). This is probably the subconscious reason that I haven't made much of an effort checking into what it would take to get a handicapped parking placard for my really bad day. Brian again asked me about it today as I limped back to the car after the service. So, with all my couch time reflections floating in my head, I committed to checking into it this week and learning to let go of my "self-sufficiency" and pride. I'm also going to make sure that I get together with friends this week!