When I started this blog, I promised to be authentic in everything I share from the mundane to the more exciting. And while I would rather ignore this topic (probably really just because I don't want to deal with it myself), I am sticking to my promise of authenticity.
Tomorrow I am going to the cardiologist and I must admit, it has me a bit scared. Since my fibromyalgia has flared lately, I've been in a great deal more pain than usually and absolutely exhausted but unfortunately, this is par for the course of FMS. What isn't though is the fact that I have been blacking out when I stand up quickly and while I haven't passed out at all, it is really really annoying to all the sudden not be able to see and have the balancing skills of a pregnant hippopotamus. And while my doctor isn't convinced that it is circulatory, we have to rule this out first. And so I am back to the unknown when it comes to my health.
It has been such a long journey to come to trust God in the everyday with the fibro and it seems that I am once again on the threshold of having to make that choice yet again. Trust is so much easier said than done I have decided. When I was going through it all the first time as I was trying to get my diagnosis of fibro, it was incredibly frustrating but it didn't seem like as big of a deal as stuff is now, I think, because I have kids and I stress out the most about how whatever is going on with me is going to affect them. I already feel like I have drug them through so much and I see the effects in them. Ethan and Luke love to imitate me walking around with my cane; most definitely not a normal four and two year old game.
And so, even though I don't even know anything yet, I confess I start worrying even though I know that I shouldn't be. My biggest struggle really is turning my head knowledge into active knowledge that I am able to live out. Apparently, I haven't learned this lesson well enough yet so God is giving me another chance to trust Him. And I know it will all work out... now just to act like it will!