The Mess

 



It started this week when I was on the phone with a nurse discussing my foster daughter's health.  As many of my friends know, we've spent an incredible amount of time trying to do everything possible to get her healthy... or more realistically, as healthy as possible for the past 6 months.  She is absolutely precious and I love her like she is my own so I am honored and humbled to be able to do this for her.

But, with this has come some surprising consequences. 

On the phone, the nurse said that I have it all together and I'm a great parent.  I laughed out at this because what she didn't know was that I was standing outside on our front porch so she wouldn't hear all the chaos that comes standard with three boys raging in the house.  Let's just say that there is usually a lot of screaming involved (although if you've read some of my other posts like this and this you're not surprised). 

I know I don't have it all together, but from the outside, it looks that way to some people.  People praise me for all that I'm doing for our foster daughter and tell me that we are amazing and so special to be able to do this. 

The truth is though, I'm not special.  In a conversation with another friend a couple weeks ago, she asked how I am doing this since foster parenting is... well... hard. Very hard.  It is complicated and messy.  My answer to my friend was that this is what I know God wants us to do; I'm completely convinced that this is where I am supposed to be.  She looked back at me and said, "Well, that's it then.  He gives you everything you need." 

She is right.  I've often said, I'm not special. God is.  He prepares us and sustains us in whatever situation He wants us in.  I don't deserve the credit.  I can't take any of the credit.  I've said it before that we don't look like the ideal foster parent candidates on paper since I have fibromyalgia, three biological sons, and we live in a three bedroom house.  I wasn't even 30 yet when we were going through the process of getting licensed.  At 31, I don't really feel any more qualified!  But somehow, He makes it work.  He is giving Brian and me the wisdom and the ability to somehow pull this off.  It's not us.  It's Him.

So despite all of this divine intervention, there is a second consequence.  There are some people who worry about our three boys as we go through this process.  It has been hard explaining, feeling like I have to justify my actions for my foster daughter because it comes at a cost of some time and energy for my boys.

Honestly, there are times I feel like a bad parent.

God's been working with me on that.  My life is complicated, messy even.  Not just because of foster care.  That is me.  I'm a sinner and not a saint.  He has redeemed me and His gift of grace covers all of my failures.  Wallowing in my failures trivializes His grace, His sacrifice.  So does pretending that everything is perfect.

We all live in some sort of a mess.  From me, foster care birth parents, pastors, missionaries, the homeless person sitting on the street corner, and you.  No difference really since the Bible says in Romans 3:23 that "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"  There really is no difference because a fail is a fail no matter how you do it.  We are all in the same boat here.  Our world is sinful hence the pain and struggles everywhere.  That is why we need Jesus.  His death paid the cost for our transgressions so that we might be made whole and reconciled to Him, if we ask and follow Him.  He's the hero. 

That is why I am sharing this today.  All my authenticity is for the purpose of showing how God is the hero.  He changed my life.  I'm doing my best, but we have days like today where we missed church because of sick kids, one threw up in my diaper bag, a different one has wanted to eat nothing but goldfish crackers (and I considered giving in to avert some screaming), I've been telling one to climb in bed for more than an hour, and I am really sore from a fibro flare up so I can barely type.

I don't have it all together, but God does.  This is how we parent.  This is how we do foster care.  Serving Him is like that; He uses broken and hurting people to make a difference for Him.  It is so incredibly humbling and profound.  What's more is that He wants all of us to serve Him with everything we do.  That's worship, a way of life.  God works best in this mess.  Our church had a series awhile ago called "No Perfect People Allowed"; I loved it because we don't need to have it all together to follow Him.

So no pedestals please.  God wants to do the same thing with you, if you'll let Him shine in your mess.  He always gives what you need.  He made me "enough" and I'll be forever grateful.

Please come check out more on this topic at my new site, Uncommon Grace!

Foster Parenting: The Birth Parent Challenge

I've had something on my chest for a long time.  A really long time.  And I was once guilty of it too.

Judgment of people whose kids are in foster care.

I used to think, "Seriously?  How could you let stuff get that bad that someone had to come take your kids for their safety?  Don't you even care?"

I was wrong.  They do care.  They care tremendously and most of the time are deeply ashamed to be in this situation.  Most birth parents of foster kids love their kids intensely and want them back.

The problem is that we tend to look at the situation as an outsider; we see it at face value and don't look deeper.  It is easier to think they are radically different than accept that we might be in the same situation if our circumstances were different.

Getting Our Feet Wet

Embarrassingly enough, I actually kinda sorta forgot about my blog for a while.  And by a while, I mean for about 6 months...

These past few months have been challenging and amazing and truly demanded all of my attention.  At the time of my last post, we were in process of getting licensed to be foster parents.  Not long afterwards, our license was granted and we got our feel wet really quickly when we were placed with a precious nearly one year old little girl for two months within weeks.  I can honestly say that giving her back was one of the hardest things I have had to do and I'll probably write a post about it all later.  Our county is swamped with Child Protective Services cases right now and I recently heard that there are over 500 kids in foster care here.  Almost immediately, we started getting calls for other kids.  The week we were placed with our current foster daughter, I got four calls asking me if I would take kids.  I'm only licensed to be able to take one child right now, otherwise I probably would have more.  It is probably a good thing though, since I really have my hands full at the moment with our three boys and our sweet little infant girl whom we have had for four months now.  I can't really give details about her, but she has some major health issues (thankfully doing really well!) and taking care of her and working with social services has become really like a big part time job.  Our boys are all doing great and absolutely love her and are passionate about what we are doing.  I dearly want to raise them to be men who see the needs of others around them and are willing to step up and do something about it.  We try to shelter them from the bulk of information about the situations we are involved in, but it is important they grow up knowing that others are far less fortunate than us.

But He's Good

I have to apologize for my six month hiatus in letting my site go dark with absolutely no explanation.  Brian and I have been really busy due to a huge decision that we made in the fall and it hasn't been quite time to share it yet until now. 

While it doesn't make a lot of sense on the surface, we really feel like we are supposed to become foster parents.  I know, we already have three little boys, live in a three bedroom house and I have fibromyalgia.  And oh yeah, I just turned 30 years old.  Definitely not your typical foster parent profile.  But, I can't get away from it and I know that if I don't do it, I'm going to regret it.  Sometimes God calls us to do things that don't make outward sense because that is where He works best.  God doesn't work in the ways that we expect and I always think back to one of my favorite quotes from C.S. Lewis, "Safe?... Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe.  But he's good."  Truth is, I'm scared to death because I have no real idea about what we are about to step into, no idea when that call will come and who that precious child is that is about to appear on my doorstop.  But, God is good and if this is what He wants for our family, we are going to do it.