Last night, I indulged. I admit it. And all today, I was wondering what in the world I was thinking. I decided, at 7 pm last night that I really wanted Diet Dr Pepper and gave in to screaming impulse. As I tossed and turned well into the wee hours of the morning and was counting all the hours passing by (if you must know how late it was, the hour rhymed with "bee") I, understandably, began to question the wisdom of my decision. Because of my fibromyalgia, I'm really not supposed to have caffeine since it makes me hurt so much more so I have next to none now.
Gone are the college days when I was requesting double shots just so I could stay up later and finish that absurdly long paper just to receive my degree, which is, in fact, a paper... But enough on the little ironies of life.
I miss the chemical assistance to keep me going when I am fading and it is no where near the kids' bedtimes yet; so much harder in summer with it staying lighter longer since they don't believe me that it could possibly be bedtime yet, but I digress again. I think tangents are the after-affects of caffeine.
Such exhaustion led me to my old friend caffeine last night. And so today, I am excruciatingly tired compounded by the fact that I am trying to get our family ready to fly across the country for my sister's wedding. I have already begged Ethan to not let me forget my bridesmaid's dress, so deep is my concern for the fog that I am currently in.
And the caffeine is calling my name again, pretending to be my friend but I know that it lies! I've already taken a mountain (mole hill, actually) of Tylenol and ibuprofen so I don't move like an arthritic great-grandparent and can continue packing and hopefully not forgetting anything crucial.
So, the first step is admitting that you have a problem, right?
Okay, here goes: Caffeine is officially my frenemy (friend/enemy, in case you haven't heard of the term). I am choosing to be stronger than the caffeine today. I will get packed and when I am at the wedding in a little over a week, hopefully wearing the proper bridesmaid dress and not some hastily purchased substitute, it will be all worth it!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Things I Never Thought I'd Say
There are things that I never, ever, in a million years thought I would say. So random, in fact, that I did not even know that they needed to be said. I've been writing them down lately since they have become a staple in my conversations with two very specific little people. Here are some of the golden nuggets of wisdom I have passed on lately:
"We do not throw food on the floor for your little brother to eat. He is not a puppy."
"No, Honey, you can't marry me when you grow up."
"No, pirates can't get in our house."
"Just because it is snowing does not mean that Santa is coming tonight."
No, you can't rename Uncle Mark, Steve."
"Your clothes are not attacking you!"
"We don't show your little brother how to open the sugar tub."
"We don't eat sweet n' low packets."
"You do not cut your brother's hair. Do not cut your own hair. Ever ever again."
"Do not lock your brother in the pantry."
"Do not spank your brother. I don't care what he did, I'll deal with it- not you."
"I'm sorry, but three year olds can't have their own credit cards."
"Darth Vader did not tell you to go over there. Don't listen to Darth Vader."
"Just because the Lego girls in your video game can jump higher than the boys doesn't mean I can jump higher than Daddy."
"Honey, we don't climb in the toilet to pee pee."
"Just because you did work yesterday doesn't mean that you don't have to do any today. We do work everyday."
"The moon isn't really following us."
I'm sure that I'll have more soon since it really is a daily adventure with them!
"We do not throw food on the floor for your little brother to eat. He is not a puppy."
"No, Honey, you can't marry me when you grow up."
"No, pirates can't get in our house."
"Just because it is snowing does not mean that Santa is coming tonight."
No, you can't rename Uncle Mark, Steve."
"Your clothes are not attacking you!"
"We don't show your little brother how to open the sugar tub."
"We don't eat sweet n' low packets."
"You do not cut your brother's hair. Do not cut your own hair. Ever ever again."
"Do not lock your brother in the pantry."
"Do not spank your brother. I don't care what he did, I'll deal with it- not you."
"I'm sorry, but three year olds can't have their own credit cards."
"Darth Vader did not tell you to go over there. Don't listen to Darth Vader."
"Just because the Lego girls in your video game can jump higher than the boys doesn't mean I can jump higher than Daddy."
"Honey, we don't climb in the toilet to pee pee."
"Just because you did work yesterday doesn't mean that you don't have to do any today. We do work everyday."
"The moon isn't really following us."
I'm sure that I'll have more soon since it really is a daily adventure with them!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The Problem of Pain
I keep going back to The Problem of Pain C.S. Lewis. I'm a self described Lewis junkie so it isn't really a surprise that I continually am reading his books but this one I feel particularly drawn too. As I said previously, I'm going through a horrendous flare up of my fibromyalgia and so I think the concept of pain speaks to me especially right now.
The fibro has been such a part of my life from such an early age that definitely made me think about things in an uncommon way. I would so love to be better and to understand why all this is happening with me but, like Paul, even though I've prayed, my thorn in the flesh hasn't been taken away and the reasons for this are still murky. I, in my humanity, want to know why.
I think that is why I love how Lewis outlines our problem with pain as being a barrier to people coming to know God because if God is good, how can He let this happen? Is He actually in control? It is easy to feel that He may not be; I've been there but I can say now, after years of wrestling, I know that He is.
The beautiful truth of this is ugly pain is that it keeps me entirely dependent on God. If I didn't have this pain, I'm sure I would fall into believing the lie that I don't need Him, for indeed, my physical state is just a reflection of my spiritual one. It's funny that is seems easy to forget about God when stuff is going well; we even forget to thank Him. This is only one reason, I know, for the problem of pain.
When Paul says that "And we know that God causes all things work together for good to those who love God, those who are called according to His purpose" in Romans 8:28, we need to take him at his word. I've learned the key is "His purpose" though. God cares more about condition of our hearts than our happiness and comfort. If we are only seeking happiness and comfort, we aren't seeking His will.
The truth is, we aren't God, only He is and so we aren't the ones for holding Him accountable for our suffering. Rather, we responsible for His suffering when He willingly gave His son, Jesus Christ up to the cross for the propitiation of our sins.
Even though I don't know the particulars of "why me" and such, it is enough to know that He is working to some greater end than myself, and in that He will be glorified. I am entirely responsible for my reaction to this miserable pain though. I can either be angry that this is my path to tread, maybe deny that He is in control despite what scripture says, or draw near to Him and remember what Proverbs 30:5 says, "Every word of God is tested, He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him".
It's really a reaction for or against God in its essence. It is my prayer that I choose the latter everyday.
If you get a chance, I'd highly recommend C.S. Lewis's The Problem of Pain. It is one of the books that has impacted me the most.
The fibro has been such a part of my life from such an early age that definitely made me think about things in an uncommon way. I would so love to be better and to understand why all this is happening with me but, like Paul, even though I've prayed, my thorn in the flesh hasn't been taken away and the reasons for this are still murky. I, in my humanity, want to know why.
I think that is why I love how Lewis outlines our problem with pain as being a barrier to people coming to know God because if God is good, how can He let this happen? Is He actually in control? It is easy to feel that He may not be; I've been there but I can say now, after years of wrestling, I know that He is.
The beautiful truth of this is ugly pain is that it keeps me entirely dependent on God. If I didn't have this pain, I'm sure I would fall into believing the lie that I don't need Him, for indeed, my physical state is just a reflection of my spiritual one. It's funny that is seems easy to forget about God when stuff is going well; we even forget to thank Him. This is only one reason, I know, for the problem of pain.
When Paul says that "And we know that God causes all things work together for good to those who love God, those who are called according to His purpose" in Romans 8:28, we need to take him at his word. I've learned the key is "His purpose" though. God cares more about condition of our hearts than our happiness and comfort. If we are only seeking happiness and comfort, we aren't seeking His will.
The truth is, we aren't God, only He is and so we aren't the ones for holding Him accountable for our suffering. Rather, we responsible for His suffering when He willingly gave His son, Jesus Christ up to the cross for the propitiation of our sins.
Even though I don't know the particulars of "why me" and such, it is enough to know that He is working to some greater end than myself, and in that He will be glorified. I am entirely responsible for my reaction to this miserable pain though. I can either be angry that this is my path to tread, maybe deny that He is in control despite what scripture says, or draw near to Him and remember what Proverbs 30:5 says, "Every word of God is tested, He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him".
It's really a reaction for or against God in its essence. It is my prayer that I choose the latter everyday.
If you get a chance, I'd highly recommend C.S. Lewis's The Problem of Pain. It is one of the books that has impacted me the most.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Multitasking to a Whole New Level
I would like to officially apologize to anyone who noticed a blue SUV driving erratically yesterday. There actually was a very good reason for the lady driving the car to be waving her flip flop around like a lunatic while trying to successfully navigate the highway interchange. Here's the background information:
I am terribly arachnophobic. This isn't just "I dislike spiders", but rather a full-on neurotic fear of them. Please don't tell me that I am a thousand times bigger than they are. I know this and yet, there is no abatement of fear. When I was little, during a plentiful time of black widow spiders, my parents very wisely explained that we never put our hands where we can't see. However, this translated to me being afraid to even stick my toes down into my bed at night because I was terrified that the black widows were purposely encamped there just waiting to feast upon my feet. Unfounded, I know, but still a part of my psyche. Now to my grown up self: I once encountered the offspring of Shelob (that's a most horrific spider larger than my said SUV for all you non-Tolkien reading Hobbits out there) in my laundry room. I discovered it is actually possible to climb smooth walls. And then, my fears were only further confirmed when a poor friend of mine suffered an extreme spider bite this past week, presumably from a brown recluse.
Such was my state of mind when I was returning home from an errand when a small but vicious looking spider, whom I am sure was poisonous, made it's appearance walking on the inside of my windshield just inches from my face. There was no place to pull over. There was no place to stop. If it fell, it would have fallen on me, horror of all horrors. Luckily, I was wearing flip flops so I appointed one as my weapon of death for this arachnid. As soon as I started swinging at it, it obviously realized this crazy girl meant it no good and it understandably started running. And my terror of it falling on me intensified. I was so thrilled when we had to stop at a red light and I was able to squish it. I might add though, that my boys were giggling all throughout this episode and apparently seem to be free of arachnophobia, thankfully. So, if you saw me, I am sorry and I hope my explanation helps explain why there was an extra moron out on the streets yesterday.
I am terribly arachnophobic. This isn't just "I dislike spiders", but rather a full-on neurotic fear of them. Please don't tell me that I am a thousand times bigger than they are. I know this and yet, there is no abatement of fear. When I was little, during a plentiful time of black widow spiders, my parents very wisely explained that we never put our hands where we can't see. However, this translated to me being afraid to even stick my toes down into my bed at night because I was terrified that the black widows were purposely encamped there just waiting to feast upon my feet. Unfounded, I know, but still a part of my psyche. Now to my grown up self: I once encountered the offspring of Shelob (that's a most horrific spider larger than my said SUV for all you non-Tolkien reading Hobbits out there) in my laundry room. I discovered it is actually possible to climb smooth walls. And then, my fears were only further confirmed when a poor friend of mine suffered an extreme spider bite this past week, presumably from a brown recluse.
Such was my state of mind when I was returning home from an errand when a small but vicious looking spider, whom I am sure was poisonous, made it's appearance walking on the inside of my windshield just inches from my face. There was no place to pull over. There was no place to stop. If it fell, it would have fallen on me, horror of all horrors. Luckily, I was wearing flip flops so I appointed one as my weapon of death for this arachnid. As soon as I started swinging at it, it obviously realized this crazy girl meant it no good and it understandably started running. And my terror of it falling on me intensified. I was so thrilled when we had to stop at a red light and I was able to squish it. I might add though, that my boys were giggling all throughout this episode and apparently seem to be free of arachnophobia, thankfully. So, if you saw me, I am sorry and I hope my explanation helps explain why there was an extra moron out on the streets yesterday.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Confusing Xbox with Real Life
Ethan is in every way a little boy; he climbs on things, can't sit still very long, and most of all, loves video games. He is particularly fond of the Lego games that combine his favorite toy, Legos, with his favorite stories: Star Wars, Indiana Jones, and Batman. We own all three for the Xbox.
Brian and I originally thought that this would be a fun thing for him since they are not terribly violent as the worst that happens is the Lego characters break into pieces which is actually pretty funny and the games are also good for his fine motor coordination. While he is able to play by himself somewhat, he would much rather play with someone since he is the most social child I have ever met. In fact, the most horrific punishment for him is being removed from everyone else and sitting by himself and even the threat of said punishment is enough to make him instantaneously shape up. So, during the day, I have the choice to either play with him or be called to come help him every five minutes so I usually try to play with him.
My confession is that this week has not been a good one for our video game consumption. With my fibro flaring up, I don't have much in me in way of energy after dealing with all the pain to do a whole lot so sitting down and playing with the kids is a good fit. Until we play way too much.
I started to realize it a couple of days ago when I tried to go to sleep and when I closed my eyes, I kept seeing the blue coins (or lego studs, as they are called in the game) in my dreams and feeling the urgent need to collect them. Yesterday, we were having problems finding all of the minikits which are pieces to a set that build a Lego "artifact" that gets displayed in a special room at Barnett College in Lego Indiana Jones. My solution, "Let's look it up on the internet so we can get all of them! We need to get all of them!" I said. Even then, I didn't think this was a big deal; I mean, I only ever play with Ethan and he was just as excited about it as me. We saved up enough to buy the Grail Knight character and I think that is one of the first things I told Brian when he got home.
I finally admitted tonight that we have been playing waaaay too much and that we need to take a hiatus much to Ethan's chagrin. We were running errands and I noticed some shiny metal pylons in front of the door to an office supply store, presumably there to keep people from driving in the door. The first thought in my mind was, "Oh! We need to get the bazooka trooper to blow those up! Maybe we'll get a minikit!"
Pause... Ummmm... Wow... I have gone way too far and not modeled moderation to my son. We'll be taking a break for the next few days or until I stop dreaming about Legos. We will be getting out much more. Ironically, what started for my son will be stopping for his sake too. Now to find Ethan a new hobby that doesn't involve a screen...
Brian and I originally thought that this would be a fun thing for him since they are not terribly violent as the worst that happens is the Lego characters break into pieces which is actually pretty funny and the games are also good for his fine motor coordination. While he is able to play by himself somewhat, he would much rather play with someone since he is the most social child I have ever met. In fact, the most horrific punishment for him is being removed from everyone else and sitting by himself and even the threat of said punishment is enough to make him instantaneously shape up. So, during the day, I have the choice to either play with him or be called to come help him every five minutes so I usually try to play with him.
My confession is that this week has not been a good one for our video game consumption. With my fibro flaring up, I don't have much in me in way of energy after dealing with all the pain to do a whole lot so sitting down and playing with the kids is a good fit. Until we play way too much.
I started to realize it a couple of days ago when I tried to go to sleep and when I closed my eyes, I kept seeing the blue coins (or lego studs, as they are called in the game) in my dreams and feeling the urgent need to collect them. Yesterday, we were having problems finding all of the minikits which are pieces to a set that build a Lego "artifact" that gets displayed in a special room at Barnett College in Lego Indiana Jones. My solution, "Let's look it up on the internet so we can get all of them! We need to get all of them!" I said. Even then, I didn't think this was a big deal; I mean, I only ever play with Ethan and he was just as excited about it as me. We saved up enough to buy the Grail Knight character and I think that is one of the first things I told Brian when he got home.
I finally admitted tonight that we have been playing waaaay too much and that we need to take a hiatus much to Ethan's chagrin. We were running errands and I noticed some shiny metal pylons in front of the door to an office supply store, presumably there to keep people from driving in the door. The first thought in my mind was, "Oh! We need to get the bazooka trooper to blow those up! Maybe we'll get a minikit!"
Pause... Ummmm... Wow... I have gone way too far and not modeled moderation to my son. We'll be taking a break for the next few days or until I stop dreaming about Legos. We will be getting out much more. Ironically, what started for my son will be stopping for his sake too. Now to find Ethan a new hobby that doesn't involve a screen...
Thursday, June 3, 2010
War of the Socks
Today is laundry day. I say this with a certain bit of shame given that due to busyness, sickness, and a beach weekend, it has not happened for... never mind. And today is not just laundry day but the Great War of Laundry. It is me versus the clothes and linens... and I'm not sure who is winning.
To get matters moving faster, I gave the boys the task of bringing down the dirty clothes from the hampers upstairs and by bringing down, I mean tossing it over the second floor balcony. It amazes me that every time we do laundry, both boys immediately abandon whatever they are doing an beg to assist me. I didn't want them to carry the basket of clothes down the stairs so the toss over method evolved and now they actually argue over who gets to toss the clothes over. I just have to be super aware so the blocks don't start taking the fast route to the wood flooring downstairs too.
After the collecting phase of the operation was complete, we started the washing phase and the folding lines. Don't even get me started on the matchless socks occupying a laundry basket; this has been a point of contention between me and Brian as he thinks I should throw away everything that doesn't have a match whereas I know how the kids like to hide things and think just when I throw something out, is when the other will be found. My sneaking suspicion is though that these matchless socks are breeding and creating more matchless socks because new ones are appearing and they are socks that I have never seen before. If anyone is missing a white ankle high athletic sock with a blue strip, let me know. You can have it back.
It constantly surprises me how much laundry is actually produced by our family of four. Even though the kids' clothes are small, they make up for it in quantity since I think they sometimes go out and roll directly in dirt. Hence was my decision last year to try to make my own laundry detergent since even though a bottle isn't horribly expensive, we go through it faster than our current congress is spending money. Yes, that fast. My experiment was a success and the $3 of ingredients I used have provided me with detergent since last summer and it smells really good, which is probably the most important point since I have to smell every scent in Bath and Body Works before making a decision.
But, back to my laundry war: I was trying to put away the mountains of laundry when I realized I have a slight organizational issue with my closet i.e. there is no organization whatsoever. So out come everything and now there is laundry, albeit clean, all over every surface in my kitchen, the linen closet is empty, dirty clothes are covering my entry way several inches thick, and my two little "helpers" have disappeared to watch "Peter Pan" for the third time today. Apparently, what I am doing is that boring to them. And so, I turn to the computer to blog about it and escape the war for a little R&R before getting entrenched again. But, I did call Brian at work to warn him that he is about to walk into a combat zone upon his arrival home from the urban jungle. Fair trade, right?
To get matters moving faster, I gave the boys the task of bringing down the dirty clothes from the hampers upstairs and by bringing down, I mean tossing it over the second floor balcony. It amazes me that every time we do laundry, both boys immediately abandon whatever they are doing an beg to assist me. I didn't want them to carry the basket of clothes down the stairs so the toss over method evolved and now they actually argue over who gets to toss the clothes over. I just have to be super aware so the blocks don't start taking the fast route to the wood flooring downstairs too.
After the collecting phase of the operation was complete, we started the washing phase and the folding lines. Don't even get me started on the matchless socks occupying a laundry basket; this has been a point of contention between me and Brian as he thinks I should throw away everything that doesn't have a match whereas I know how the kids like to hide things and think just when I throw something out, is when the other will be found. My sneaking suspicion is though that these matchless socks are breeding and creating more matchless socks because new ones are appearing and they are socks that I have never seen before. If anyone is missing a white ankle high athletic sock with a blue strip, let me know. You can have it back.
It constantly surprises me how much laundry is actually produced by our family of four. Even though the kids' clothes are small, they make up for it in quantity since I think they sometimes go out and roll directly in dirt. Hence was my decision last year to try to make my own laundry detergent since even though a bottle isn't horribly expensive, we go through it faster than our current congress is spending money. Yes, that fast. My experiment was a success and the $3 of ingredients I used have provided me with detergent since last summer and it smells really good, which is probably the most important point since I have to smell every scent in Bath and Body Works before making a decision.
But, back to my laundry war: I was trying to put away the mountains of laundry when I realized I have a slight organizational issue with my closet i.e. there is no organization whatsoever. So out come everything and now there is laundry, albeit clean, all over every surface in my kitchen, the linen closet is empty, dirty clothes are covering my entry way several inches thick, and my two little "helpers" have disappeared to watch "Peter Pan" for the third time today. Apparently, what I am doing is that boring to them. And so, I turn to the computer to blog about it and escape the war for a little R&R before getting entrenched again. But, I did call Brian at work to warn him that he is about to walk into a combat zone upon his arrival home from the urban jungle. Fair trade, right?
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
The Beach, Then and Now
The first time I realized how different this trip was going to be was in the car on the way there. I must confess that I really enjoy road trips and have been wishing for an opportunity to go on a cross country journey. That trip would take us about three days to get from coast to coast without much stopping. About an hour and a half into the three hour ride to the beach, I recanted and publicly admitted my gross miscalculation about how enjoyable road trips with children can be. Luke had discovered that if he said "poop", Ethan would laugh like crazy. I mean hysterical, roll over, insane asylum type laughter- the type that might make you crazy just listening to it for ten minutes straight, which we did as "poop" was repeated over and over. Once we got over that, about 45 minutes to our destination (arguing taking place in the meantime between boys), Luke decided to unbuckle his seatbelt so his car seat tipped over as we rounded a bend on the highway. Apparently, he was bored (and maybe somewhat disappointed that we weren't heading to Disneyland so he decided to create his own thrill ride complete with screaming parents). So, three days of relaxing cross country sight seeing will not be happening anytime soon. The airline industry definitely has my business.
When we made it to the beach, I didn't body surf or lay out like I used to; I watched the boys and built a sandcastle which is something I don't think I have done since the fourth grade. I now think building sandcastles is definitely under-rated. The giggles as the waves came in and filled up our moat were priceless! It's funny that the things I used to want to do have changed so dramatically over not too much time. I used to work on my tan but now I am an obsessive sunscreen girl now that the sun damage horrifically has started to show up just like my mom always said that it would when I refused to put it on. Oh, the times I pretended not to be sunburned to a lobesteresque degree just to avoid that lecture! Now, I even wear a hat too and I feel like I am practically plastering every visible patch of my children's skin with sunscreen. I realized I was becoming a bit obsessive when I considered putting it on them under their clothes too just in case their rash guards didn't help. I restrained myself. But, my good intentions fell short when the wind kept blowing over our umbrella. Luke tried to hold onto the end of it and giggled as it caught the wind and it blew him down the beach. Totally reminded me of Mary Poppins when all the nannies get blown away! My husband, Seth and I took the kids out in the waves instead of body surfing like we used too. We spent a very long time trying to convince Ethan that it is important to keep one's mouth closed when the wave is coming in since saltwater is really not that enjoyable of a beverage. It was just a quieter adventure in some ways but really fun and it was so nice to get out and enjoy something that didn't involve cartoon characters or video game remote controllers. I think the most fun part of our adventure was getting to share something I love with my boys and husband and maybe someday, they'll love it just as much as I do.
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